Intermediate Questing
by theonceandfuturekiki
Summary: Interconnected, but non-linear stories about the gang's adventures playing Dungeons & Dragons. Will contain some J/A and some T/B. Multiple-time winner of the Milady/Milord 500 word fic battles.
1. Character Names

Some people, both here and at M/M, have said they have a hard time remember which character had which D&D name, so here's the who's who (along with Race and Class, for those in the know. Unless specified in the episode Advanced Dungeons and Dragons, I decided on the race and class myself, based on the characters themselves. their personalities and what I think the would choose the be)

Jeff - Marrrrr (Human Rogue)

Annie - Hector the Well Endowed (Half-Elf Alchemist)

Shirley - Zippity Do (Dwarf Cleric)

Pierce Hawthorne - Pierce (Human Fighter)

Troy - Bing Bong (Elven Ranger)

Britta - Lavernica (Half-Elf Druid) And her small panther companion, Gloria Steinem

They also sometimes travel with a half-orc named Morg, who's a non-player character, which basically means he's Abed.


	2. The Effects of Sexual Tension in Battle

Marrrrrr flanked the orc that was set to attack Hector-the-Well-Endowed, ready to attempt a sneak attack. He managed to get behind the orc quietly, and he struck. A glorious fountain of orc blood spurted from the monster's as Marrrrr sliced his throat triumphantly.

"Jeff, I wanted to kill that one!" Hector-the-Well-Endowed whined.

"Ummm… WHO'S JEFF?" Morg, the half-orc the team had rescued from the clutches of the hateful goblins, pointedly shouted

"Sorry Abed. I wanted to kill that one, MARRRRR."

"WHO'S ABED?"

"Right…Morg!"

Annalise, the team's Druid/Princess, was distracted from battle by the scene. She'd been keeping track of everyone's health, and she knew that Hector was still almost at full health while the rest of the team was hurting. So… "Why did you have to go help Hector? WE'RE," she said, motioning to the rest of the group, "are the ones who actually need it."

"I wanted to use my Sneak Attack ability," Marrrrr grumbled. "Besides, the orc wouldn't leave her alone."

"Hector's a guy, Marrrrr," Ducane reminded Marrrrr, with the weariness of a man who had issued the same reminder many times before.

"Yeah, you're going to give Hector identity issues," argued BingBong.

"So it's so EMBARRASSING to be a woman that now Hector is going to go crazy from it?" Lavernica geared up for a fight.

"Let's just put all that feminist rage into the actual battle, Lavernica," Zippity Doo said, losing her patience.

"I think Annalise brings up a good point," Quatrine said from the ground.

"You can't talk," Morg pointed out. "You're unconscious."

"I'm just saying," she continued, "Marrrrr always goes to help Hector, even when Hector doesn't need it, and it's ruining the rest of the group."

"Good Lord, we've turned them into us," Zippity Doo murmured under her breath.

"You're the one who gave herself 3 Strength and 20 Charisma," Marrrrr shot back.

"I wanted to be pretty"

"It would just be nice if you helped the group every once in awhile," Annalise argued.

"I'm True Neutral, I do what I want." Marrrrr pouted.

"Marrrrr and Hector need to just bang already!" Pierce Hawthorn shouted.

Marrrrr and Hector looked at each other, wide eyed. "But…" Hector finally entering the argument, "…we're both guys."

"Then just do it in real life!" Annalise cried. "Your sexual tension is ruining our game!"

"What is this 'real world' you speak of?" asked Morg.

"Guys, can we just get back to killing these orcs?" Hector tried to diffuse the situation. "I want to attack orc 5."

"You guys wasted all your turns fighting with each other. While you were arguing the orcs killed you." Abed said

"Good job, guys!" Britta shouted, gathering her things to storm out of the room. "Now those poor women are going to be raped by orcs."

"Yeah, thanks for ruining the game!" Vicki shouted, following Britta, with Quendra following quietly. The rest of the group just shook their heads as they left the room.

"What did we do?" Jeff asked, exasperated.


	3. Fantasy Shopping for Beginners

Abed handed out the sheets to the group gathered around the table. "These are the items that are available here." After five days of traveling and doing battle with random baddies along the way, the group of adventurers had finally made it to Harbortown, where they could finally buy new items and much needed rations. They pushed their way through the busy town square. It was Fleet Day, a sort of local holiday celebrating the end of a war from centuries prior.

"Ooh, we finally get to go shopping!" Zippidy-Doo squeeled.

"Amazing. Even in a fantasy world filled with dragons and orcs women still turn into giggling messes at the thought of shopping," Marrrrr grumbled.

"Hector, you okay?" Lavernica asked, noticing that the younger woman seemed a little down.

"I'm just still so grossed out by what I had to do with that Inquisitor to get past him and his goons. I want to find a hot bath and just scrub myself clean for a week."

"Oh! I can buy a wig!" Bing-Bong exclaimed, too engrossed in shopping to care about the conversation.

"Why would you need a wig?" Zippidy-Doo asked.

"I have a +9 Disguise." Bing-Bong bragged.

"See, Marrrrr, it's not just women who get excited about shopping," Lavernica said, gearing up for a rant. "That thought is just male prejudice, reinforcing the idea that women are-"

"SHUT UP!" everyone shouted.

"I didn't think it was possible, but Lavernica is even more annoying than Britta," Marrrrr said, still grumbling.

"What is up with you?" Lavernica asked. "You've been grumpy ever since we were stopped by the Inquisitor."

Marrrrr's eyes flickered over to Hector and then quickly flickered away. "Nothing. I just think you should have let me kill him. It would have been simpler."

"I don't think it would have been a good idea to kill an Inquisitor," Zippidy-Doo noted.

"It would have been fine. The King's Guard gave me a license to kill."

The group grew quiet. "Why do you know that?" Bing-Bong asked slowly.

"I read the character history Abed gave me." Marrrrr responded quietly.

The group sat, stunned and confused. "You're putting a lot of effort into this..." Zippidy-Doo ventured.

"I was bored. My tv is broken. Leave me alone."

"Abed, why would any of us need an antique thimble?" Hector asked, returning attention to the list.

Abed shrugged. "I thought it added character to the shop."

"I'll buy the thimble!" Bing-Bong said excitedly.

"I'm glad I can upgrade my armor, but I was really hoping to be able to buy a pony," Zippidy-Doo pouted.

"Me, too. If we had a pony one this last journey, we wouldn't have almost starved to death. We could have just eaten the thing," Pierce Hawthorn complained.

"YOU'RE the one who was supposed to buy rations and bought magic flares instead," Zippidy-Doo argued back.

The group finished their shopping. "As you finish paying..." Abed starts.

Screams floated in through the door.

"Great," Marrrrr groaned. "Let's go try not to killed."


	4. Advanced Dragon Slaying

The dragon let loose a horrific shriek as Marrrrr sunk his sword into its chest. It stumbled a few steps before falling to the ground with a loud 'thud' that shook the ground.

"Dude. You literally slayed a dragon," Bing-Bong said, eyes wide.

"Yeah, whatever. Help me get one of these out of his head," Marrrrr grunted.

"I refuse to help in protest of what we've done to this poor animal," Lavernica said, crossing her arms over her chest and standing her ground.

"Poor animal? It's a dragon. It tried to kill us," Bing-Bong argued back. He looked over to where Marrrrr and Zippity-Do were digging the dragon's eye out with their swords. Shrinking away in disgust, he said, "Yeah, you know… wish I could help… but I've just got this bow… can't do much with that…"

"You know what this is called, don't you?" Lavernica was still ranting like nobody else had spoken. "Poaching."

"We need the dragon eye to make the poison antidote," reminded Zippity-Do. "Ooh, let me cut the optic nerve."

"I just refuse to believe that murder of an innocent creature is the only way to do that."

"Okay, Lavernica," Marrrrr said. He was close to losing patience with both Lavernica and this damn dragon eye. "We'll just let Hector die while you find that cruelty-free antidote."

"Whatever. I'm just saying," she mumbled as the eye popped free.

"Finally!" Marrrrr picked the eye up, ready to start on the way back to the witches who were watching over Hector.

"Wait!" Bing-Bong shouted. "We forgot about Pierce."

Marrrrr looked over at Pierce, who had been knocked unconscious at the very beginning of the battle. He sighed, looking over at Zippity-Do. "Anything you can, oh mystical magical person of God?"

Zippity-Do looked over at Pierce's prone form, a look disgust forming on her face. "I guess I can do Laying on of Hands."

"Great. Do it so we can get out of here."

"You're not looking so good, either," Zippity-Do pointed out. "What are your hit points at?"

"You guys don't know what hit points are," reminded the ghostly, disembodied voice of the Dungeon Master.

"I mean… umm… do you feel like you need to be healed?" Zippity-Do corrected.

"I'm fine. I just need to get this back to Hector. Do Laying on of Hands on Pierce and LET'S GO."

"Laying on of hands," Bing-Bong said under his breath. "Ew."

-

Much later, a healed Hector walked through the forest next to Marrrrr. "Heard you single-handedly slew a dragon for me."

Marrrrr shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. "Hey, it's not my fault nobody could hit the thing.:"

Hector smiled knowingly.


	5. Violent Spectatorship

Hector, Lavernica, Zippity-Do, Pierce Hawthorne, and Bing-Bong sat at a table in Milty's Tavern in Foggybrooke, drinking ale and watching as Marrrrr dangled a terrified gnome off the ground.

"Lavernica, I can't believe you're just sitting there doing nothing," Hector noted.

"Yeah, every time we come across gnomes we end up spending a half an hour fighting off angry locals that you pissed off with your protests," said Bing-Bong.

"You really need to stop doing that when you have a -9 Oratory bonus.," Zippity-Do mumbled into her glass of ale.

Shooting Zippity-Do a glare, Lavernica turned back to Marrrrr, who didn't seem what to do with the gnome now that he had him in the air. "Hey, the tiny jerk whistled at me. Can you think of anything else more sexist? I'm not your dog!"

The gnome shouted frantically, in Gnome, "I was whistling at your cat!" But since Lavernica was the only one who understood him, she didn't feel the need to share that with people. Besides, her panther, Gloria Steinem, was a proud woman, too. She probably didn't want to be whistled at, either.

"If he was whistling at anyone, it was probably Hector," Pierce Hawthorne said, pointing at Hector's well-endowed chest. She gasped, instinctively bringing her arms over her chest. "Besides, you really think Forehead over there would defend you're honor, Flat-Front?"

Lavernica glowered in disgust. "He might be defending my honor," Zippity-Do pouted.

"Please. Nobody's going to objectify a dwarf."

"Somebody might…"

"You know, it wouldn't kill you to defend my honor," Lavernica grumbled at Bing-Bong.

"It might! Last time I tried to do that you called me a chauvinist and through that gender-swap potion at me!"

"Which hit me!" Hector reminded, as she reached for the pitcher of ale. She failed to reach it however, because of her enormous chest.

"Abed!"

"Sorry. You're still Hector the Well Endowed. Your endowment just had to move north when you became female."

"Thing have gotten awkward ever since Hector turned into a girl," Bing Bong sighed, easily reaching the pitched and pouring himself another glass, ignoring Hector's distress.

"We've certainly had more incidents like this," Zippity-Do said, finishing off her ale. "And I thought Lavernica's ranting got us into trouble… the amount of guys Marrrrr has killed for looking at Hector the wrong way has gotten us into even more trouble."

"Remember when we used to fight dragons instead of fighting people who pissed of Marrrrr?" Bing-Bong remembered wistfully.

"Guys, you're exaggerating," Hector tried to reason. "We just finished up that quest through the city's tunnels! And we're in this tavern to meet that rogue Inquisitor who wants to hire us!"

Lavernca smirked. "Yeah, but if he kills this gnome, we might have to leave before he gets here.

"The King's Guard really shouldn't have given him that license to kill," Zippity-Do said.

Everyone nodded and hummed their agreement.

"Yeah, but he's not…" Hector stammered, blushing. "I mean… it's not because of me."

Together, the group looked at Hector, and then to her chest, pointedly, making her blush ever deeper. Then they turned back to placidly watch Marrrrr, waiting to see if he killed the poor gnome.

"Well, if he kills him, I hope there's at least something worth looting on the body," Pierce Hawthorne said with a small amounted of enthusiasm.

The rest of the group perked up slightly at the thought. Especially Bing-Bong.

"Ooh. I want his boots."

END


	6. Potion Making for Beginners

"Come on, guys! Untie me!" Hector whined as she trotted awkwardly behind the group, being led by the rope tied to her hands by Lavernica.

"Not until that love potion wears off. The last thing we need is you throwing yourself at another merchant. Or worse, and Inquisitor." Lavernica tugged lightly on the rope to get Hector to speed up.

"Yeah, if Marrrrr kills one more person for touching you, I think it's technically a spree," Morg said.

"I thought love potions were supposed to make people fall in love with the person who took it, not the other way around." Bing-Bong's brow furrowed in confusion.

"Unsurprisingly, Lavernica made the potion wrong," Marrrrr grumbled, keeping his eyes trained ahead of him. "Next time, you really should leave the potions to the alchemist."

"Hector wouldn't make it for me!"

"Because we didn't actually need it!" Hector shouted. "And yet again, your aim sucked, and now I can't keep my hands off of every man we come across."

"Even the potions are gender biased," Lavernica grumbled.

"I don't know why you even thought giving that Drow a love potion would help any way," Zippity-Do said, trying to keep up with the rest of the group, her short legs struggling to match everyone else's long strides.

"I thought maybe if he felt the joy of love he'd stop trying to kill us."

"It would have been a lot easier to just kill him back," snapped Marrrrr.

"You know I'm a pacifist."

"You slit a guy's a throat for grabbing your ass."

"GUYS!" Zippity-Do shouted. "STOP. Now, it's getting dark, and I'm starting to have a hard time keeping up. We should camp for the night."

"Yes! Thank you!" Bing-Bong sighed in relief. "I'm starving."

"Right." Zippity-Do pointed to a tree. "We'd better tie Hector up over there."

Hector gasped in indignation.

* * *

Marrrrr laid on the ground, trying to sleep. It wasn't easy when all he could think about was Hector throwing herself at other men. It made his blood boil.

Just as he was finally starting to doze, he felt a weight settle next to him. He opened his eyes to see Hector laying next to him.

"What are you doing?" Marrrrr tried not to panic.

"Don't talk," Hector said, her lips covering his. Marrrrr was frozen in shock for a moment before he kissed her back. Soon, though, he pulled back.

"Hang on, we tied you up. And I thought you're Escape Artist bonus was really low."

Hector shrugged, trailing her hands down Marrrrr's chest. "+3. And Lavernica sucks at tying knots." She tried to kiss him again, but he held her back.

"This is the potion, Hector. You don't really want this."

"Yes, I do. And you do, too. I know you do. You've always wanted it."

"No, I-"

"That's why you beat up or kill any guy who even looks at me."

"Hector-"

"The potion is just letting me act on what I've always felt. Please, Marrrrr."

Marrrrr sunk his hand into Hector's hair as he kissed her, his other hand fumbling inside his pack, searching. Just as Hector deepened the kiss, she felt something close around her wrist. She pulled away and looked down to see one of her wrists encircled by a manacle. She looked back up at Marrrrr, who looked back with an unreadable expression. "I'm not going to let you do something you'll regret." He reached over and closed the other manacle around a tree branch. He then picked up his stuff and walked away, gritting his teeth in frustration.


	7. Introduction to Fairytale Doppelgangers

The prompt for this one was "Jeff and Annie go on a double date with your favorite pairing from a different tv show." I chose Hook and Aurora from Once Upon a Time.

* * *

"I'm getting really tired of Abed shoving his favorite television shows into our adventures," Hector whispered to Marrrrr as the princess and the one-handed pirate found their way back to the table.

Marrrrr shrugged. "It's not his fault everyone else backed out of game night at the last minute. He had to think of something."

The pair's new traveling companions sat down. "The princess and I have discussed your proposition," the pirate said. "We're willing to help you. For a price, of course."

"Look, guy-liner," Marrrrr growled. "The way the princess here tells it, you're trying to get back to your friends, too. You've got the weird magic dust, we've got the watch. You need us as much as we need you."

"I told you they weren't stupid, Killian." The princess glared pointedly at her companion.

"Did you really expect me to not try to get a little money out of this, Aurora?" He aimed a perfect smirk and an arched eyebrow at the woman, who rolled her eyes.

"Great. I'm going to be traveling with two Marrrrrs," Hector said to herself.

* * *

"Abed's laying it on a little thick," Marrrrr grumbled to himself as he prepared to go out an hunt. After both a Perception check and a Sense Motive check, he was able to pick up bits and pieces from Killian and Aurora's conversation. Killian wanted to try to just steal the watch, but was quickly shut down by Aurora, who reminded him that Marrrrr was a thief, too, and it probably wouldn't be easy to just steal from him. She then laid on a thick guilt trip about learning to trust people. It was not entirely unlike a conversation Marrrrr and Hector had at the tavern earlier. He was pretty sure Abed was trying to make some kind of point.

"Let me use your bow," Marrrrr said to Hector, who was trying to set up their tent.

Hector gave him a skeptical look. "You don't have a small weapons proficiency."

"Whatever, I'm going to be shooting at slow moving boar. I can't imagine I'll have that hard of a time."

She smirked. "You just don't want to get blood on your clothes by using a melee-ranged weapon."

"Well, it's not like we have a change of clothes!"

Hector smiled affectionately as she handed over her bow and arrows. She went to turn back to the tent, but Marrrrr grabbed her arm. "Make sure you've got your dagger on you. And don't take your eyes off of the pirate."

"Paranoid much?"

"I just…" he looked into her eye, imploring her. "I don't trust him. Okay?"

Her expression softened. "Okay."

* * *

Marrrrr carefully pulled the arrow back, ready to shoot the boar in his sights, when a rustling sound scared the creature away.

"Dammit!" Marrrrr shouted as Killian appeared. "I almost had it!"

"Don't worry mate. You'll get the next one," Killian said, shooting Marrrrr a charming smile.

"What are you doing out here?"

The pirate's smile fell. "Aurora told me to 'go help'. Said we really shouldn't eat the food you bring back if we didn't help to catch it."

"Well, you're doing a bang up job with that helping part," Marrrrr quipped. "She's got you pretty whipped, huh?"

"Excuse me?"

"You fall all over yourself to please. It's okay. It's cute."

"It's not… I just owe her. A lot. More than a lot."

It was silent as Marrrrr tried to spot another boar. "Wait a second, we're not together!" Killian burst out. Marrrrr raised a skeptical eyebrow. "We're only traveling together because we're looking for the same mutual acquaintances. That's all."

"Okay."

"What about you and your girl?"

Marrrrr stilled. "Hector? It's not… like that."

"Please. I saw that intense little moment between the two of you."

"I was warning her not to trust you."

"That's fair."

"What's stopping you? She's cute, she's obviously interested."

"It's complicated," Marrrrr sighed in irritation. Killian rolled his eyes. "It is!"

"What's so complicated about it?"

"I'm older than she is."

Killian scoffed "I've got a few _centuries_ on Aurora."

"I'm not good enough for her."

"I've killed people."

"I've done some terrible things to her."

"I _stole_ Aurora's heart."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Marrrrr asked.

"No, I _literally_ stole her heart. I _reached_ into her chest and _removed_ her heart."

There was a long moment of silence.

"Holy crap."

"I know. I did get it back, but… like I said, I owe her a lot."

"But, wait. I thought you said it wasn't like that with you two," Marrrrr pointed out.

"It's not. Shut up." Killian pouted as he stomped off.

Marrrrr watched him go, trying not to think too hard about the conversation. "Dammit, Abed."


	8. Subverting Expectations

The gang stood by the fence, bored, as they waited for Hector, hoping he would emerge with a satisfied elf maiden and a flock of Pegasi.

"What is taking so long!?" Marrrrr groaned, kicking at the fence.

"You know, ' Bing-Bong laughed lasciviously. "Come on, you know!" When the group just stared at him with annoyance, his mirth lessened. "You do know, right?"

"Yes, I know," Marrrrr spat out irritably.

"Marrrrr's just jealous that Hector seduced the elf maiden when he couldn't," Lavernica smirked.

"I am not! And I didn't even try that hard! But I'm not!" Marrrrr said frantically.

"Whoa, it's like the Three Faces of Eve over there. Calm down, Sybil," Lavernica laughed.

"But I thought Marrrrr and Hector-"

"SHUT UP, DUCANE!" Marrrrr practically screamed.

"This isn't right," Zippity-Do finally chimed in, shaking her head back and forth. "Trading certain… favors for some flying horses. There's just so much wrong with that… it's prostitution! The Lord frowns on that! We've turned poor little Hector into a prostitute just to get some Satan horses. She's already going to have a hard time getting into heaven being a Jew, but now this…"

"I don't think Hector's so little, if you know what I'm saying," Bing-Bong tried again, and was promptly ignored by the rest of the group.

"Do you really think the Lord is smiling about a naked old guy stealing Ducane's sword and cloak?" Lavernica asked.

"Well, no…"

"An eye for an eye!" Lavernica shouted, enthusiastically. "That's in the Bible, right?"

"That doesn't really apply to this situation…"

"Is Bing-Bong asleep?" Ducane motioned to where the archer was standing with his eyes closed, a dreamy look on his face.

"Shh…" Bing-Bong whispered. "I'm trying to visualize Hector and the elf maiden."

"You realize that Hector is a dude, right?" pointed out Lavernica.

Bing-Bong's brow furrowed for a moment. "Well, I'm visualizing girl Hector."

Marrrrr's jaw clenched. "Stop that!"

Bing-Bong opened his eyes. "What crawled up your butt?"

"It's just… we should be planning what we're going to do when Hector comes out here and tells us he couldn't get the Pegusi."

"You think Hector won't be able to get us the Satan horses?" Zippity-Do worried.

"Why are you just assuming Hector won't be able to pull this off?" Lavernica asked, ready to gear up for a rant. She wasn't sure what kind yet, but she'd cross that bridge when she came to it.

"Seriously? It's _Hector_."

At that moment, a triumphant looking Hector approached, a very satiated-looking elf maiden trailing behind. He stopped in front of the group and smiled. "There's a flock of Pegusi waiting for us." He then continued on, leading the group to the flying horses. Lavernica smirked at Marrrrr as she followed.

Marrrrr's jaw dropped as he looked between Hector and the elf maiden several time. "Holy. Crap."


	9. Intermediate Birthday Bloodbaths

Abed had _asked_ him what he wanted to do for his birthday. And this? Was not it.

"I just wanted to steal some stuff for my birthday! Maybe use my +16 Bluff to lie to some people!" Marrrrr complained as Lavernica tried to use one of their healing kits to patch him up. "How did _that_ turn into fighting a horde of zombies? You can't even loot their bodies!"

"Would you stop moving around so much so I can finish this stitch?" Lavernica said irritably.

Marrrrr winced as she pulled the thread _way_ too tight. "Can someone explain to me why the girl with -2 Healing is the one trying to stitch me up."

"Because you pissed everyone off and I'm the only one who was willing to help you." She looked over at their friends, who were all pointedly ignoring Marrrrr while busily stitching each other up. "_And_ I have +2 Healing now, jerk. That oracle endowed me with the Spirit of Healing."

"I'm sorry if I'm a little upset that my birthday turned into _this_." He used his good arm to motion to the dozen or so zombie corpses laying around them.

"You were the one who wanted that blue gem so bad. I _told_ you there was something weird about it."

"Yeah, because I'm going to trust that amazing +1 Perception you have."

Lavernica finished the stitch. "Okay, let's see how much health I so kindly recovered for you…" She got the total and looked up at Marrrrr guiltily.

"What?" Marrrrr practically growled.

"Two."

"Two!" Marrrrr shouted in disbelief. "You only got me two hit points back?!"

Gloria Steinam growled threateningly at Marrrrr as Lavernica stood, hand on her hips. "You know, instead of being a jerk about it, you should be thanking me for being nice enough to get you two hit points back, considering what an ass you've been tonight." She walked away, Gloria Steinam following.

Marrrrr sighed and looked down at his still bloody leg. "This his been a terrible birthday."

He sat that way for a few moments, until a blue vile entered his line of vision. He looked up to see Hector, a potion in her hand. "Take this."

Marrrrr sighed. "No, you need it. I know you only made that one healing potion this morning, and you took more damage than I did."

"It's okay. Zippity-Do used her Laying on of Hands on me. I'm fine."

Marrrrr still hesitated, knowing he didn't deserve her kindness.

"Consider it a birthday present."

After one more brief moment of consideration, he took the potion and swallowed it.

"I'm sorry your birthday turned out like this," Hector said as Marrrrr's wounds began to heal.

"Thanks."

"It still doesn't excuse what an epic jerk you were tonight, though."

"I know."

She stood in front of him uncertainly for a moment before reaching into her pocket. "And one more present." She pulled out a shiny, expensive looking spyglass. "I pulled this off the guard we killed this afternoon."

Marrrrr took the spyglass carefully. "Hector, this is… thank you."

Hector shrugged. "Happy birthday, Marrrrr."


	10. Advanced Battle Tactics

"Marrrrr, stop being a selfish jackass and get into this! You suck with a bow!" Lavernica shouted as she swung at the MegaOrc with her Morningstar. She missed by a wide margin. "Dammit, my rolls have been sucking," she muttered to herself.

"I have two hit points! And our cleric won't heal me!" Marrrrr yelled back from several yards away.

"I'm a little tied up at the moment!" Zippity-Do said from where the MegaOrc had her cornered.

"Besides, you're not yelling at Bing-Bong for using his bow!" Marrrrr continued arguing with Lavernica, ignoring Zippity-Do completely.

"Dude, I'm an _archer_," Bing-Bong shot back as his arrow made contact with the MegaOrc's back.

Lavernica took another swing… and botched. She managed to hit herself in the side, hard enough to draw blood, but not hard enough to do any significant damage. "Son of a bitch!"

"Yeah, Lavernica, you're doing _so_ much better than I am back here." Marrrrr shot another arrow, which zoomed right past the MegaOrc's head. "Crap."

"You guys! Arguing really isn't going to help us kill this thing!" Hector scolded them, stabbing at the monster with her short sword. The weapon plunged into the MegaOrc's side. Blood poured from the wound and the creature howled in pain, turning around and struck Hector across the face. She flew into the wall behind and then fell to the ground.

"Oh, hell no," Marrrrr growled as he dropped his bow and took out his dagger. He used his Acrobatics and Sneak Attack ability to jump on the MegaOrc's back, stabbing him in the throat over and over. Even as the monster sank to his knees, and then tumbled to the ground, he continued. It became excessive, and the group just watched him, eyebrows raised.

"I think he's dead, Marrrrr," Zippity-Do said.

"Gross, its next looks like inside of a strawberry pie," Bing-Bong commented, gagging a bit. Lavernica rubbed his arm in an attempt to comfort him.

Marrrrr climbed off of the creature's giant corpse, breathing heavily. "Zippity-Do," he panted hard, trying to catch his breath. "Do your… hand thingy… on Hector."

Zippity-Do looked a little frightened. "I…uh…. I used them all up already."

"What?" he growled back darkly.

"Well, Pierce got that thorn stuck in his foot, and he wouldn't leave me alone about it, so I did it just to make him be quite!"

Marrrrr grit his teeth, then roughly grabbed Lavernica's pack from her arms. "Hey!" she shouted at him. He ignored her as he rummaged through it. "Hey! No! That is illegal search and seizure! You are violating my rights!"

He continued to ignore her. He found what he was looking for, a vile of healing potion, and dropped the bag, kneeling next to Hector. He popped the top off the vile and poured the liquid down her throat. After a few moments, her eyes fluttered and then opened. "Ugh, my head. What happened."

Marrrrr breathed a sigh of relief. "A MegaOrc decided he hated you."

"Yeah, because I was the only one who could hit him."

This sent the rest of the group into a whole new argument.


	11. Advanced Intoxication

"You have such pretty arms," Lavernica slurred to Bing-Bong. "especially when you do your archer…thing. They're so…" she trailed off then, her chin falling to her chest.

"You…have pretty…feet," Bing-Bong tried to compliment back.

They gang of adventurers had stolen a few cases of wine as they were leaving the last castle they'd ransacked. They had saved fought a dragon and saved a princess, so they figured they deserved a celebration.

"I hate being a dwarf," Zippity-Do mumbled. "It's so hard to keep up with you long-leggers. Just walking through the woods makes me all sweaty and tired."

Marrrrr and Hector leaned against the tree, laughing at their friends. "They can't hold their alcohol," Marrrrr said, spilling some of his wine on Hector, who didn't notice.

"They're gonna be embarrassed when we tell them all this tomorrow," Hector followed up with a hiccup. She leaned her head against Marrrrr's shoulder and let out a contented hum.

"You drunk?" he asked.

"Nooooo," she drawled out. "Jus' sleepy. Long day."

"You slayed the shit out of the dragon."

"I was pretty epic."

"It was. And it was hot," Marrrrr commented, raising his goblet to his lips to find that he had no more wine.

"Yeah?" Hector asked, wide eyes peering up at Hector.

Marrrrr grabbed the bottle of wine and re-filled his cup. "When you jumped on that dragon's back and stabbed it in the eye? My pants were so tight I didn't think I'd be able to get back into the battle."

"Aw, you're sweet."

"You're pretty hot all the time, though."

"I am?"

"I had a hard time with it even when you were a guy."

"You're pretty hot, too," she returned.

"Psh, everybody knows that," Marrrrr smirked.

"Yeah, but your also brave, and loyal, and sweet, and funny." Despite his intoxication, Marrrrr's heartbeat picked up. "You're like… my favorite person ever."

"You're kind of my favorite person, too." After a moment's hesitation, he wrapped his arm around Hector, who curled into his side. "You're the smartest person I know, and the nicest, and the strongest. You never let anything get you down, or throw you off course. Even when it makes you a pain in the ass."

She snorted. "You know you love me."

Marrrrr let the words circle around his head for a moment. "Yeah. I do."

He tightened his grip on Hector, who tightened hers back.


	12. Intoxicated Companions

Lavernica giggled as Bing-Bong and Zippity-Do dragged her through the door of the tavern where the rest of the group was waiting. "Bing-Bong, you're so sweet. You're just the sweetest. And cutest. And….awesomest."

Bing-Bong tried to keep the smile off of his face, knowing that Lavernica was saying these things because she was 'under the influence'. He sloppily plopped her into a chair, where she continued giggling. "Ha! Lavernica go boom."

"What the hell is wrong with her?" Marrrrr demanded.

"Things got dark at the magic store," Bing-Bong said with a sigh.

"She drank an unlabeled potion, thinking it was a healing potion, but it was actually a Potion of Intoxication," Zippity-Do explained. "She's been really annoying ever since."

"Come on, she's fine," Bing-Bong defended.

"What good is an intoxication potion? Isn't it cheaper to just drink a lot of ale?" mused Pierce Hawthorne.

Everyone turned to the resident alchemist. "It's also sort of like a truth serum. Shuts down your defenses, makes you say things you wouldn't say otherwise," Hector clarified.

Lavernica dropped her head to Bing-Bong's shoulder sadly. "When I was 16 I hit a raccoon and I didn't stop to see if it was okay. I was late for school."

"Great, this is going to be fun," Marrrrr grumbled.

"It's okay, Lavernica," Bing-Bong said, wrapping a comforting arm around his friend.

She tilted her head up to look at Bing-Bong. "You're okay, too. You're better than okay. You're totally the best. I've always thought so. The handsomest and the best and I just want to tie you down-"

"OKAY!" Marrrrr shouted, banging his hand on the table. "That's it. I don't want to have to listen to Lavernica drone on and on about her love for Bing-Bong."

Lavernica snorted. "Please, it's hardly as annoying as you to." She threw up a finger, pointing in the general direction of Marrrrr and…. Nobody else was quite sure who.

"What are you talking about, sweetie?" Zippity-Do asked patiently.

"Marrrrr and Hector. They're so annoying and gross with their feelings and their glances and how totally and disgustingly in love they are."

Marrrrr and Hector froze. Zippity-Do cleared her throat. "I think the potion is making you see things that aren't there.:

"Oh, please!" the half-elf exclaimed, lurching forward so that she was leaning on the table. "I can't be the only one who notices it, and Marrrrr wanting to kill every guy who looks at Hector, and how they always end up protecting each other, even when there are people with much lower health. Marrrrr only puts up a real effort in the fight if he knows that Hector is in trouble. He stole that potion from my bag to wake her up."

Everyone at the table fell silent. After a moment, Lavernica sang, "You looooooooove each other.:" She hiccupped and leaned back into Bing-Bong. "I don't feel good."

"Yeah, I don't feel too good either," Zippity-Do grumbled under her breath, looking between Marrrrr and Hector with suspicion and disapproval.


	13. Magical Pathology

_Note: Takes place before Advanced Dragon Slaying_

* * *

Marrrrr brought the cool, damp cloth to Hector's face, patting away the sweat from the fever. He then placed it across her forever, reclaiming her hand with his now unoccupied ones.

"She's _dying_," Lavernica said on the other side of the room, keeping her voice low so as not to upset Marrrrr. "We have to do something."

"We don't even know what's wrong with her," Zippity-Do pointed out.

"She has a fever," Bing-Bong said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yeah, but we don't know why," Lavernica reminded him. "We need to figure out how she got sick."

Hector shivered. "Can't I have a blanket?" she asked weakly.

Marrrrr shook his head. "We have to keep your fever down."

"But I'm so cold…"

"I don't think she just caught something. If that was the case, one of us would probably be sick, too," Lavernica reasoned.

"You think someone did this to her?" Zippity-Do asked, her eyes growing wide and sad.

"I don't," the druid sighed. "I just know that this came on way too fast and way too powerful to just be some normal fever.

Marrrrr held Hector's hand tightly, watching her as she shivered uncontrollably. They had tried literally everything - every single healing potion and poison antidote that they had, and every single healing spell in Zippity-Do's book. Nothing had worked. There didn't seem to be a conventional cure. And if there was one, they were unlikely to be able to make it, considering their Alchemist was the one needing cured.

He knew it was bad. _Really_ bad. The rest of the group would be whispering in an attempt not to upset him if it wasn't.

Marrrrr felt useless. He couldn't do anything to help her. He couldn't make a potion, he couldn't use magic. The only thing he knew how to do was charm and steal. He would steal anything if it would save Hector. But he had to know what to steal.

"Marrrrr…" Hector whimpered out, her voice growing weaker and weaker. He squeezed her hand to let her know he was there.

On the other side of the room, the rest of the group had formed a theory.

"I'm going to rip that troll's throat out with my teeth," Pierce Hawthorn practically growled.

"And then I'm gonna kick him in the balls!" Bing-Bong joined in.

"Look, there will be plenty of time for throat-ripping and ball-kicking," Lavernica said, trying to maintain a cool head. "First, we have to cure Hector."

"Yeah, but our Alchemist is the one who's almost dead."

"Look, I've been leveling up in Alchemy," Lavernica said. "Using Hector's book as a guide, I should be able to put the potion together."

"What do we need?" Zippity-Do wondered. "Holy water, amras petals, two swan feathers, a fire opal, dryad seeds and-"

"A dragon's eye." The small group jumped, surprised by Marrrrr's voice. "If we're gonna slay a dragon, we'd better leave now. She doesn't have much time."


	14. Interacting with Mysterious Strangers

Hector smiled as the handsome and mysterious cavalier offered his hand to help her up.

Standing silently between Lavernica and a tree, Marrrrr seethed.

He'd had the situation under control. Really. He was going to use his +13 Bluff to convince those bandits that they were magical demons who would place a curse on them. It was all fine.

It was Lavernica's fault that he'd botched. He wasn't sure how it was her fault, but it definitely was.

But, again, he had it _under control_. A brilliant plan was taking shape in his mind when out of nowhere this smarmy cavalier ruined everything.

And now the jerk was smiling at Hector as he 'checked her for injury'. Yeah. Right.

"We're so lucky you happened to be coming along when you did," Zippity-Doo said, practically ogling the guy. "I don't know what we would have done without you." The dwarf shot a dangerous look at Marrrrr, one that clearly said, _see what happens when you lie all the time? Jesus punishes you with bandits._

"I had the situation under control," he grumbled, for what felt like the millionth time.

"Not at all," the mysterious stranger said, turning his 1000-watt smile from Hector to the rest of the group. "I'm always happy to help those in need. It's the cause of the Order of the Shield."

"That sounds so cool," Bing-Bong said, mesmerized by the cavalier's shiny shield and armor.

Next to Marrrrr, Lavernica snorted, then leaned over to whisper, "How insulting. We were actually saved by a knight in shining armor."

Normally, Marrrrr would roll his eyes at Lavernica applying her feminist ideals to yet another situation that didn't call for it, but right now he was just happy to have someone on his side. He grunted his agreement as the pair watched Lavernica's leopard, Gloria Steinem, approach the stranger, sniff him, and the nuzzle into his leg. "Traitor," Lavernica grumbled.

"I don't trust this guy," he whispered to the druid. "Maybe I should do a Sense Motive roll."

"Why, so you can botch again?" she snarked.

That hurt. He thought they were on the same side.

"Come on! This guy just came out of nowhere and we're supposed to trust him because he's averagely handsome and his armor is shiny?"

They watched as the man let Bing-Bong hold his sword. "Oh, he really shouldn't do that," Lavernica said to herself, remembering the time the friendly orc had let Bing-Bong see his mace.

"Look guys! I'm a knight!" he said, as he swung the sword around.

Marrrrr wasn't really paying attention. His eyes were on the mysterious jerk and the way he was smiling at Annie.

That is, until Bing-Bong swung the cavalier's own sword right through the man's neck.

Everyone stood in stunned silence until Hector finally shouted, "I can't believe you did that!"

Bing-Bong, his voice slightly hysterical, responded, "I didn't mean to!" And then, "Can I keep the sword?"

Marrrrr just smiled. That took care of that problem.


	15. Intermediate Modern Chivalry

"Ow!" Hector yelped as Lavernica pulled the stitches through her skin too tightly.

"Well, it wouldn't hurt if you weren't moving around so much!" the druid snapped back.

"I wouldn't be moving around so much if you weren't hurting me!"

Zippity-Doo cleared her throat. "Lavernica, maybe you should go get us a new bowl of water. I'll take over here," she said diplomatically.

Lavernica pouted, as she got up to leave the room. "I guess that's the thanks I get for trying to help," she grumbled on her way out.

Hector smiled at Zippity-Doo thankfully. "I know she was trying to help, but I think she might have made it worse."

The cleric examined the wound closely, trying to decide if a healing spell was in order. It didn't seem that Lavernica had done too much damage, so she sat down and continued stitching the wound in her friend's arm. When Hector winced slightly as the needle pierced her skin, Zippity-Doo shook her head. "I'm gonna tan that boy's hide."

"Marrrrr was just trying to help," Hector said, leaping to Marrrrr's defense.

"I think he was more concerned with helping his ego than with helping you."

"Zippity!"

"Well, it's true. You almost had that alchemist right where you wanted him! And then Marrrrr decided to sweep in and play the hero."

"He thought I was in danger."

Zippity-Do raised her eyebrow skeptically. "He_ stabbed_ you."

"Well, yeah, he did a little, but…"

The eyebrow went up even higher.

Hector sighed in defeat.

* * *

Marrrrr was well into his fourth ale when Lavernica stomped down the stairs. She dropped the bowl in her hands on the table with a loud 'thud' and then dumped herself gracelessly into the chair.

"What are you doing down here?" Marrrrr slurred. "I though you were stitching up Hector."

"I was sent to get water."

Marrrrr looked at the empty water bowl pointedly.

"They didn't really want me to get water. They just wanted to get rid of me."

"That -1 healing strikes again, I see."

"Don't you even start. This is all your fault."

"I don't see-"

"You _stabbed her_, Marrrrr."

"I was trying to help her!"

"Oh, because a woman can't possibly defend herself?"

Marrrrr let out a frustrated breath. "No, because that evil alchemist was holding a magic bomb in his hand-"

"And Hector had her magic shield potion all ready to go." Lavernica cut him off smugly

"Well, I know that now." Lavernica continued to glare. "Am I seriously in trouble for trying to save her life? I'm sorry if I went a little crazy when I saw someone holding a bomb-"

"You mean when you saw someone threatening Hector?"

Marrrrr was silent.

"You know," Laverniva continued, "this whole crush you have on her has always been inconvenient. But now? It's dangerous."

He didn't have anything to say to that.

* * *

Marrrrr looked down at a sleeping Hector, her arm neatly bandaged.

His fault.

His hand found her cheek and she leaned into his touch.

"I'm sorry."

END


End file.
